2011- the whole of it.

Okay, today is the last day of 2011. And I'm not in my best of health but I'm recovering from this fever. And i know Allah has a better plan for me, so today i will celebrate New Year just like past few years, sitting in front of this very same computer and listening to music and chatting with friends on facebook. Wow. What a wonderful way to celebrate. Maybe if i get out and have fun i will have TOO MUCH fun. okay. enough.

2011.

What a year.
It teaches me everything i never thought i would learn. Many new things happened and appeared in front of me with or without me noticing it. And some, remain the same. but, yeah. Still, I'm grateful for everything.

I learn about our society's behavior when i worked at FOS, i learn how hard it is to find money and how important education is, i learn about real world. How is it to be work under employer. I tell you, its not always that fun but you'll cherish it.

Then i got to know good news. I got the scholarship under Mara. One step to achieve my dream, to become a dentist. That one small step change everything. About my life, myself and the way i appreciate things.

Then I got to continue my study. New collage, KTT, Sepang. New environment, new people, new attitude i guess. But what i grateful of with this collage is, i met awesome friends, we called ourselves GBS, we made a small group but awesome enough to take care of each other, and make each other laughs everyday. And my studies here still, I'm very disappointed with myself, i know something wrong with me, and now I'm trying to make myself better so that i can get this A-level done and fly.

Yeah i said some of things still the same. Like my feelings towards you? I don't know what went wrong but I'm happy the feelings that keep make myself miserable is gone now, for now. I'm glad that you are not the one i think of every time i listen to a sad, love song. Yeah not anymore. Its kinda weird cause nowadays when i listen to Adele, its not you appearing in my mind, my mind is empty. Thank you for making things clear actually.

That's all i guess. Cant wait for the countdown. I love you guys, I love myself, I love every person who care about me. I love you, Allah for keep making me realise how much my life worth to keep trying and be stronger each day. Alhamdulillah, i close this year with an open heart.

Much love,
Shafiq. X

Leia Mais

Only fools rush in.

Well, im still breathing.

Ive been busy with collage for finals, and finally its done. Gone through pretty much emotional weeks because like i always say, exams do change me in the way i act and in the way my brain suppose to respond. its different. but hey, im back. now its a week of sem break. yeah, its short but im going to spend more time with my family and friends. i just cant believe its been 6 months i am reading at KTT.

So in this entry i would like to share about a movie i just watched, Like Crazy.

Im kinda guy who loves to a low-budget indie movies. I like it cause its usually simple, down to earth and yeah, no bull-shits.

So this movie kinda remind me of one of my fav, Blue Valentine. It shows us the reality, that happening around us.

You said nothing is changed, but i can see so many things changing and i feel kinda regret to have this feeling sometimes, i dont know about whats coming on future but i hope it wont be that bad. i dont want to be at the same position, please.

X

Leia Mais

Absence.

Its almost 4 in the morning. Feel so alone. So lonely. But its okay. use to it. Nothing much really happen, except that i really miss my parents right now. I can feel the absence. They went for Haji this year, praying everything going to be okay there and save. Sometimes I can feel that I am an orphan. I can see clearly how life is without my parents on my side, on my sibling's sides. but its just for a while, hopefully.

But their absence makes our bond as brothers and sister stronger than ever. Alhamdulillah for that. cause many things happens and my sister said this once to me, "Kenapa aku rase bertimpa, musibah jadi kat aku?" but she always remind herself that everything that happened is the test from the Almighty. I agree. But i just cant wait to meet my parents, i really miss them.

and the final exam is keep haunting me. still, im a big lazy ass. Malas nak study. Haih. Hopefully my mom pray for me. to be a little more hardworking, and care. yes, care about whats going on.

hmmm what else, ouh yeah. That little conversation we had just make me realised it was nothing at all. all this time is such a waste and im happy i didnt opened up anything.

so nothing more lah kot. Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha. enjoy your holiday :)

Leia Mais

alright

i really, really can't think of anything. everything seems not real anymore. and its like just a waste of time to think of those stuff. the more i think of it the more confusing it becomes. so i just want to focus on the presence.

i really dont care about anything right now. studies, heck. i just want to meet my friends, to fing connections. i miss them. they are the reasons im still hanging around on that collage. they believe in me.

its okay, its alright. if you watch E! True Hollywood Stories you know how the live. they will go down to the drain at one point of their life and turn up to be okay at last. right? we all going to be okay, right?

Leia Mais

Eighteen

These couples of weeks have been quite a journey. I was at the state where i was so sad and extremely happy.

why sad?

hmm i cried a lot. yeah. because my maths lecturer, miss fateha is going to leave us, leave me. The rumor starts to spread weeks before the night she gathered all of us to tell the sad news. I was just sad and angry when i heard about the news she's leaving but even sadder and hurt when she told us to close our eyes, and listen to what she got to say. I knew it would happen. I knew, but it was hurt just like the first time i heard it. yeah, shes leaving.

I know why shes leaving. and I know she have a solid reasons to leave. I am happy with her choice. I am happy that shes trying to be happy but, shes the main reasons why im still struggling taking maths, still bother to solve the maths problems because i love the way she teaches us, i love her class, she made me accept maths the way it is and continue doing it eventhough i can just simply drop maths anytime i want.

Even its hard to accept that shes going to leave KTT in few days, I will try to keep the promises. She dont want us to drop maths.

"Shafiq, awak boleh, boleh dapat A, usaha lebih, Miss tau awak boleh"

"Shafiq, keluar dari zero group tu, its time awak lebih dari orang lain"

"Miss tak nak awak drop maths, sebab maths membantu awak, pecayalah cakap miss. Miss gerenti kalau awak buat elok2 boleh dapat A"

"Lepas ni miss dah takde nak marah2 awak, nak merajuk, awak kene usaha sendiri"

These words keep repeating in my head. Anyway, miss, I had a great time in your class, Im going to miss all the laughter, the pressure when doing your quiz, the fun. You make me look at maths differently. You make me take the challenge. I cant promise anything, but i will try my best. Going to miss you badly.


anddd why happy?

On 6th October, it was my birthday. My classmates and GBS (geng bas sekolah KTT) made a surprise for me. Keep me at mamak until 12 and went outside, there you go. My classmates who live at the apartment sing Happy Birthday with piano. Okay. The whole collage heard that. but its sooo sweet. Im happy and grateful for the rest of the day.

and on my birthday also i realised that its okay if you're already gone. its okay to be on my own. and its okay to let my heart go.

thats all. bye.

Leia Mais

Bandage

Its October. I dont know what to aspect from this month but it will mean a lot to me cause i will turn 18 this month. hmm i hate that. to know that im getting older. ceh.

but im learning. trying to figure out the world, trying to live in it.

i try to control myself nowdays trying not to hurt anybody around me, cause i know ive done that a lot, and im tired of it. but people around me not helping a bit. some of them want me to be that person who talks whatever come across his head. i dont want people to leave me, to hate me just because im loud, and always make my own sarcastic opinion. but its okay if they take it as a joke cause it is a joke.

i want to run away from everything. i just had enough. i know it will come chasing me eventually, but what if i keep running? but until when? urghhh. life.

but i know i have to be grateful for what ive got, what ive become.

yeah, yeah keep judging me. i dont mind kot.

hmmm. yeah, im excited to be 18. at least i'll try to.


been listening to this album, just to share.

my fav : Fix a heart, lightweight, my love is like star, and of course, Skyscraper.

whatever it is, Adele's 21 is still in my heart.

Leia Mais

Connecting

Im here.

Yes these couple of weeks had been great for me. Alhamdulillah. Everything went fine. Classes as usual, sleep as usual. I like it. Somehow i thought maybe exam makes us emotional, makes us want to kill ourselves or other people. But we know we got to get through it, and when its done, we can finally breathe and wait until the NEXT exam. Of course.

Im collecting myself nowdays. I want to be free. I want to be myself as much as I can. And I could see people can except me the way I am just because I can except them the way they are. Maybe sometimes I feel that some of them trying to stay away from me, trying to let me go, but it's fine, it's okay. Cause I know I have more great people around me who willing to be with me as much I want to be with them.

And I know Im holding my guards up now. I dont want to know about anything anymore. I mean, about love. I dont want to care how is it feels to be love or loving somebody. I dont want to be hurt just because its not going to work the way I wanted it to.

So, Im going to be more focus on myself.

AND... Ive done reading Water For Elephants. Now I moved on to P.S. I Love You. I know, I know. I cant help to read romance. Shut up. OK bye.

Leia Mais

Time turns flames to ambers

Hai.

say hi to Jessica. i love her now.

Its kinda awkward to post anything here. And im posting once a month which makes things worse. but anyway, i have some kind of promise i made to myself. i want to keep this blog alive no matter what. SO. Stick here okay?

August left me with a lot of new things, well, i hate most of it, but still im grateful im still breathing and still strong to move along.

Mid sem exam. tak payah cakap lah kan. I think im the only one who got that kind of results. I mean failed for every single paper. HAH! Im okay with that. I dont mind to start from the ground. I dont mind if this happened just to make me realise that im not that good anymore, in study. I have to start living and stop whining.

Ramadhan. The month of blessed. Forgiveness. i learned a lot during Ramadhan. I miss it now. really.

Raya. Great. Ezral is here with me since he cant go back to Sabah. Kesian. Tak pe family aku pun bukan raya sakan nak buatkan die rindu kat family die. Raya this year. hmmm. like always people will say this : The excitement of raya is lessen as we get older. Yeah its true. But if you are the one who make it less exciting.

So, what i can say now i just have to wait what's going to happen after this raya holiday. We want to change to better. For better. But we often fail to do that. But i believe in Allah. Its not the end of the world if He is still there for me.

Leia Mais

Tell me that all we had were lies.

Stand there and look into my eyes
And tell me that all we had were lies
Show me that to you it don't count
And I'll stand here if you prefer

Yes I'll leave you without a word

Life's funny isn't it? Sometimes i just getting tired to know how small the world is. OUR world. Sometimes its getting so ridiculous that i dont even care what is coming next. Yes, i was left speechless. But once that hope just gone, a new one keeps coming. Im not sure why, but its funny. Just. FUNNY. How we related to each other, how its just hurt when someone you dont expect to say the name, MENTIONING the name and know that particular person you running from very damn well.

And next you realized that the same old feeling keep coming back, the feeling you try to keep away from your new life. I tried to figure out why im feeling this way. I keep telling myself i dont want the same old shits happening to me all over again cause im tired of waiting for something that not even real cause im gonna hurt myself, and i got no one to talk to. But i dont know whether what i feel is right or not. But you know what, im not going to give any hopes, im tired of that. So im just gonna wait and see if its real or just me going crazy about something which is not real. yeah. Whatever. I dont know what to feel anymore.

I wish you don't look at me like that, i wish i never knew you, i wish you never hold my hands, i wish you never try to make me happy. I know its not real, I know its just some kind of jokes but please, don't.


Okay. now back to the real reality. really.


Now im reading this book, Water for Elephants. Im on chapter, hmm wait. Nine i guess. im not sure i like it or not cause im not getting "there" yet. but the plots are rising, and im sure its going to be interesting. and i dont want to watch the movie, yet. Not until i've finished reading it. OK thats my life now.

waiting,
wasting,
drowning,
and sleeping.
Oh wait. twittering. yes. that one. like my official public diary. okay maybe not diary. OK i stop here. <3

Leia Mais

hold me, please.

Im home. yeah. kalau post blog tuh oline kat rumah lah jawab nye. malu nak mintak budak rumah pinjam lappy nak post blog. as i dont want them to read my blog (kot).

i dont know exactly how to express my feelings right now cause i dont even know how it get to me. its been a stressful weeks, yes. but i dont know how to cope it anymore. i got nothing to hold on. yes, maybe people see me living my collage life and im doing fine right now but hey, deep down its all mess.

i dont know.

i dont know.

i dont know.

maybe its the way how people treat me here? hey i might be nice and you can pick me up with your words just because im different it doesnt mean im happy about it. hey, i might be smiling but im that closer to punch you in your face. hey i might look like i got nothing on you but i can make you cry. i can change the whole house turning into big sad fucking wretch family. but im good, im fine, thats me, i still can hold my guards and pretend its nothing.

AND yeah, the feelings i used to hold on, the feelings i dont want to let go just vanished. GONE. fucking hilang. thanks to facebook i guess. i dont know how you can be so stupid. but i dont blame you for all of this, but come on? yelah, go lah. move on, i hope you're happy or whatever. you're not the first person in my mind when i wake up in the moring anymore. so, oklah kan.

AND to my friends, im sorry, so sorry. sorry. sorry if i make you upset or something, im not a perfect best friend to have kan? macam lupe kawan ade juga, but have you ever even listen to my problems? i got no one. NO ONE to voice my feelings. even my twitter is like, my everything, but its not 100% what i felt that time. yes, i miss all of you, yes. but its not fair if you only want me when you feel like you want me that particular time but not be there when it come to my time for need you guys. Im not that rich to even call every each on of you. but im happy to have someone texted me, im okay with it if you reply me like you want to talk to me, tah ape2 je lah.

im tired, i dont know what else to say. my life is just. tah lah. i cant control it. i just want to stop everything. just give me a break. and let me fucking breathe. OK?

Leia Mais

How's life?

Its been almost 3 weeks i became collage student at KTT for A-level student. so how's life so far? hmmm everything is good i guess. ye lah i still remember once im teacher said, once you studied in Saser, campak kat mana2 pun boleh hidup. ye lah kot. cause my life at KTT and SASER dont have much differences. The kids here are awesome and all of them are bright students from all over the country. All have the same vision; to succeed in A-level so the we can fly to overseas to continue our studies. Most of them are future medical student.

hmmm ape nak cite lagi hah? nothing much happened, just a couple of moments that are out of our usual daily routine.

yes, im living in the house which now compact with 12 people. So you can imagine yourself how is it like. but im happy. Meriah rumah tu. macam dah semua benda ade. So feels like living in our own house dah. I don'nt bring any laptop so i can't update my blog regularly (alah kat rumah pun tak update-update -.-)

i thought i could take you our of my mind once i live a new life with new people, but you know, every time someone mentioning your name, my heart stops. Everything goes back to the place where i used to be. But im okay, cause i got a chance to meet new people and im not that stupid to let things happen twice, well not that okay cause im acting like i dont have feeling anymore. but im moving on, yes.

im going to keep updating my life, just one more thing to tell you guys, my maths, still sucks. im trying hard now. praying hard. see you later.

Leia Mais

One Step Further

Sooo whats up guys?

okay actually just wanna tell dah masuk kolej KTT dah :) Dah 4 hari di sana dan baru habis orientasi semalam (jumaat) . so yes, im moving one step further in my life and im excited about it.
now, ape nak cerita hah? macam korang kesah pulak kan. okay. im just gonna tell how is it okay. like physically. not my emotions.

Kolej Teknologi Timur (KTT) terletak dekat Sepang. So tak lah jauh mane dari Seremban. dalam 40 minit smpi lah. dengan speed bapak aku bawak kete mungkin 30 minit (sape yang pernah naik kete bapak aku bawak je tahu perasaan nye mcm mne hehe) . Aku under MARA untuk study dentistry. Di maklumkan disini aku bukan bound dengan Czech atau Poland. Tapi Australia atau New Zealand. kan dah cakap mara ni kelakar bab2 prank nih. hadoi. okay move on

Mule2 ingat kami akan tinggal di dalam kolej. just so you know kolej ni kecik je. comel. 2 rows of blocks of rumah kedai. ha dapat bayang? bawah and first floor kolej / classes, atas tuh yg rumah tuh apartment student. so nak g kelas terjun dri atas pun boleh. haha tapi bukan untuk student under mara lelaki. kami tinggal di luar kolej (yeah!) tinggal di rumah dua tingkat di tman berhampiran je.. so satu rumah 10 org tpi stakat ni rumah aku 8 je.

aku awal2 dah chop bilik untuk 2 org. Dengan harapan bleh tido situ sorg2 haha. tpi x pe lah dpat roommate. tak kisah lah bukan bapak aku bayah sewa rumah. haha.

Orientation week bermula lah. Macam2 aktiviti ade. tapi yang fun je lah kan bukan macam certain university (ahem2) but i was fun. Im in group 8. So we have to perform modern dance pada hari penutup orientasi. okay we danced High School Musical dance, and i got 'A Night To Remember' song -.- but we didn't win. takpe cause i have lots of fun and the seniors were great too.

Next monday start class. Im scared. 1.5 years of Cambridge A-level program. Hoping for the best. and i miss my friends. its okay maybe im gonna have a new friends or whatever, but you guys are still irreplaceable.

Leia Mais

is it true

is it true when you are so far away from someone you will just forget about them?

is it true when you are not seeing each other for a long time the feeling just gone?

is it true when that particular person just having a new life out there she/he just stop thinking about you?

is it true the feeling that you always convince yourself exist all this time is actually nothing at all?

is it true when you start a new life you will stop thinking about it?
just let it go like nothing happened?

i don't know how to feel anymore. i keep losing myself. keep drowning myself in the deepest darkest hole. i don't know anything anymore.

Leia Mais

incredible

i dont know i feel so inspired now to write or post a blog. i guess i just feeling a little bit lost right now, but reading other people's blogs make me realize how wonderful it is to let everything here, well, not everything.

so last post, yang berusia lebih sebulan kot (?) i told you about INDIA, how exciting it is, hoe INCREDIBLE it is to be there. well, its not a new news to tell you here but i guess i need to let you know that it was all gone. like only one sentence on the letter changed everything. my future, my imagination, my dream and what i wanted to do in future. maybe many people wont understand this but its okay i wont blame anyone. for a moment i felt lost. i dont know anything. everything went so blurry.

okay, mara changed the country, to Poland / Czech. a totally different country from india. yes. i went blank for a while until i just got to think how lucky i am. very lucky. so right now i dont really care what country i might be furthering my studies, all my focus is right now. get done with the A-level first. then think about whatever it is important THAT time.

well. i will pay INDIA a visit. cause i want to experience it myself. yes i will, insyaAllah. now, i have to get my ass work cause i need to settle everything about the collage. i still have 2 more weeks to go. not long huh?

Leia Mais

whats next?

hokay masa free memang banyak, sumpah banyak tapi nak buat satu post untuk blog ni memang la.. PEMALAS. tapi tak pe, aku gagah jugak la nak taip ni memandangkan memang tengah boring.

kenapa boring?

hmm bukak facebook je tengok yang online tinggal bape kerat je kot. semua dah sambung belajar. dak2 form 6, Uitm, matriks and even some kids yang dapat scholarship pun dah berambus awal2. jeles tu memang ade bro sebab diorang dah melangkah satu tapak, aku ni, semakin terbenam kaki dekat tanah. standing at the same freaking spot looking at people around me start their new chapter in life.

so aku ni bile lagi?

haha okay let me explain lah ye. matrik, dapat kuala pilah nun, ipta? dapat, Uitm puncak alam asasi sains tapi aku tolak kedua-duanye sebab dapat tajaan mara. MARA watlekje bagi tahu keputusan, program A-level, pergigian, kolej teknologi timur, Jun 2011.

haiyo memang tergelak jugak tengok. tarikh tu tak leh bla. ingat nak main teka-teki? nama kolej teknologi timur pun aku tak pernah dengar. my mom starts to make jokes said maybe the collage is somewhere in the middle of PANTAI TIMUR? hmm memang aku nak la kan pergi sane. memang nak. =.='

google tengok2 dekat sepang. so buat le research about the collage. so i will study Cambridge A-level. fuyooo Cambridge tuh. fly LONDON ke ni. Pale abah ko. i will be flying to india. kalau tak ada masalah lah. i knew this since the interview pun. so watlek je la. tak kisah.

so sekarang tunggu surat mara. tunggu tarikh sebenar nak belajar. tunggu otak ni hilang karat sebab dah lupe dah segala Bio, Chem, even Physics. Maths tak payah cite.

so now i start to reading blogs about people's life stydying in India. fulamak nak nangis bace. kena though. macam la aku ni though sangat. hmmm tak pe lambat lagi ye nak singgah india tuh.

blog kakak ni banyak membantu aku imagine how the hell India really is.

intanberlian

credit to Adila yang bagi link walaupun ake dah jumpe dulu. HAHA so at the side corner ade column nak tahu pasal india? okay i read every single one of it malam semalam sampai pukul 5 pagi. semangat lak ai. sebab cite akak ni lebih best kot dari drama korea? haha maybe

this post just me telling you guys what are the things keep bugging my mind these couple of weeks. okay i miss my friends yang dah pergi belajar. good luck okay? lepas ni aku pulak weyh. weyh. weyh.

Leia Mais

acceptance

have you watch Glee? yeah the show that have these bunch of high school kids, singing and dancing cool songs and having problems in life and we dont really seen them study or doing homework even the whole show is in school? yeah. cite tuh.

i never give much attention to the show, and its never been my fav show before, i just love some of the song they did, but after watching glee-athon, im kinda fell in love? i dont know. but they have this one episode called, "Born This Way" the whole episode was about self-acceptance. it made me thinking for a while, "did i ever accept the way i am right now?" yes, its a silly to think of it, cause we are Malaysian, hey, we are all fucking fake all the time, like i never seen anyone that really show who they really are unless they are with their best friends, i guess. cause we do fucking lie infront of our parents, right?

so do i accept the way i was born? pretty much yes, and it is such a sensitive issue to talk about but right now i just dont really care about what people going to think of me, like, seriously.

in school,

"shafiq, cube ko ubah perangai jadi lelaki sejati sikit"

"shafiq, cube jalan betul2 sikit"

"shafiq, cube makan banyak sikit, ni keding macam lidi"

well fuck them, since primary school, so dah lali and i never even give a damn. bukan benci or totally hate them, maybe they are being concern but, really dude? i keep telling myself that i am happy the way i was born, the way i am. i am living in this world not to make people happy, i am living to make myself happy as long i don't do drugs or whatsoever.

itu saja kot. malas nak cakap panjang2. HOI. pointless lah blog kali nih. haha
kalau tanya who's my fav? it has to be Brittany. haha

Leia Mais

leaves

just finished reading this novel today, A Season of Leaves.

i dont know what to say, i found this book at MPH Mid Valley months ago and paid it with my first month salary. i remember the day i bought it. i was with my friends and we hung around that store for hours and finally i found this book. i never heard of it but the words from behind the book makes me want to buy it. and it took me months to finish it because ive been quite busy with work and since ive resigned, and i have all the time in the world, i finished reading it.

well, i did cried while racing the words with my lips until the end of the lines, until the last letter written to Rose. it did made me felt the emotions that i tried to avoid these days.

its a story about love (of course), about hope. yes, hope. the way the writer wrote this novel makes me feel like i am next to Rose Pepper (the main character) i am with her through all her thick and thin in life. and what really gripped my emotions are the hardness she had to gone through just to be with the one she loves and to be free.

okay i dont know why in the hell im blogging about this anyway, but it just been in my head today. now i am ready to read new book. give me more.

and now, tengah bingung memikirkan pasal where to further my study. matriks ke? asasi kat U ker? tunggu keputusan MARA ker? I HAVE NO IDEA. Berdoa agar di tempatkan di tempat yang terbaik untuk belajar, untuk masa depan. but im ready to shopping stuff for study. haha. its excite me though.

Leia Mais

forget

Listening to- Lenka's Two album.

fuhfuh dah berhabuk ke blog nih? *statement orang lama tak update*

yes lame jugak lah tapi bukan tak log in, logged in pun nak dengar lagu dekat blog but i still read all your posts dont worry. (yang aku follow lah)

so whats up?

dah berhenti kerja, yes, beri tepukan, but now macam bosan pulak duduk rumah, okay memang dah ready pun untuk jadi bosan but im gonna use all my time doing things i love. enough of that.

and my mara interview pun dah lepas. Alhamdulillah. kelaka, memang kelakar. buat penat habiskan masa merisaukan diri sebab interview. tapi tak pe, im glad its done. thank you kepada sesiapa yang beri nasihat about to face interview. and now its all about hope and pray.

and graduasi saser. okay nothing much to talk here but, i am sure now. everything is so clear that all the shitty feelings just gone. just gone okay. at once i think i can let things go, i can breathe.and you, you're not on my main page anymore. i just stop thinking about you. now i can't wait whats waiting for me in future. even sometimes its scary to think of it. im ready. so ready.

and now i couldn't help to think about vacation. the other day my friend, Haqim just have this crazy idea why not we just take a vacation, a getaway maybe? i dont know cause its kinda fun. dah bosan with city and KL and shopping mall oh common. im thinking about beach, waterfall, nature, something like that, but i know it wont be easy for my parents to give any permissions. of course. but my holiday wont be that any longer anymore, May is coming up. and study season will start any time soon.

*sorry for this cheesy post. i just want to post something to keep my blog alive. i'll comeback for more.

Leia Mais

hidup

took a lot of guts for me even started to write but anyway, hi everyone.

first of all, i got MARA interview and today i found out they want us to write 300 words of essay. i still dont have any idea what kind of essay they want, but im gonna just go with it.

and in two days, i will be back to where i used to be, jobless. and im not ready to face the long hours of thinking about things i dont want to think, the feelings that i tried to escape these three months. but still, im stuck. im nowhere, nothing moved. but im still thanking God cause i am around the people who i can make them smile and they are there for me to make me smile. even just a second.
Kadang-kadang dalam hidup ini kalau dah payah sangat apa yang boleh buat hanyalah BERSYUKUR. yes. everybody says they are being content in life but really? do you even know what it is to be grateful?

now im just going to think about whats going on now, stop worrying about tomorrow, and stop regretting about yesterday. i just want to be okay. okay? please you little freaking feelings, be good.

Leia Mais

APRIL

a lot of things happened these couple of days and if i can recall one of those days i loved to post everything that happening in my life here, but now its different. i dont know it seems i need to take a lot of courage to even start a blog nowdays. and i hate that. maybe it because of twitter? im stuck on that thing for hours and hours but still i felt a little weight on my shoulder just evaporates slowly when im tweet, because i tweet whats going on in my mind and i dont really care what people going to think about my tweet, but i still missed my blog. because i can write more here.

i read my old posts yesterday and couldnt help to laugh at my writing but hey, im glad that i made it here. im not saying my english is superb but its improving. i guess. so dont check my writing now.

its April. right? time flies so fast that i still thinking its December. 2010. just finished my bio paper but wow i cant help to feel a little bit uneasy cause today list for JPA interview was up. and i think MARA will be soon to come and im not ready at all. A part of me says its okay, i dont need the scholarship cause studying here in Malaysia wont be that bad and other part of me want that scholarship soooo bad. but im still going to leave it to Allah. He knows best.

Leia Mais

everything

i dont know what to think of right now. cause everytime im think of something, i feel bad. i feel insecure. maybe theres a lot to think about. after the results day everything change. people change. and now i have to make decisions about my life. i hate to think of future. everybody moves on. they just make it like it is the easiest thing in the world to do. yes, i want to move on too, but sometimes i want things just remain the way it is. and everything i do seems not right. Ya Allah i leave everything to You. like i always do. You know the best. lead me to a correct path. i know You are always with me cause i need You in anytime of my life.

and you. yes you. if you think you are. i dont know if you read this but i think you are. i cant help to think you are already moved on with your life any im not the person on the page of your life anymore, well i wish nothing but the best for you, but just know that if you just open up to me for just once, everything would be different. but its okay, maybe its for the best. but i want you to know its always been you. all of the reasons, its always you.

Leia Mais

oh na na

i dont want to talk about anyone's SPM result yes, not even myself's. but today was great. i met everybody im dying to meet, the teachers, all saserians. and im very grateful, thank you Allah, my teachers, my parents, my family and friends. Korang yang membuatkan semuanya possible.

in my head;

• bile nak resign kerja
• nak apply scholarship ape
• nak amek University ape
• nak belajar ape
• nak buat ape
• nak sambung belajar ke? okay that would be crazy.

wow it just keep going right?

esok JPJ motosikal then baru nak dapat P. bapak lame ko buat ape kat driving school tuh *O*

Leia Mais

Invisible

listening to: wish you were here- Avril Lavigne

another off day today. my day went pretty simple. i do all the stuff i love to do, and spend most of the time by myself since sejak kerja susah gila nak to be alone. bila lonely duduk rumah sibuk nak kerja, skang dah being around people 24/7 heboh nak alone. manusia, begini lah cara hidup.

so facebook lembab. so i turn my attention to twitter. its not that bad. even dah buat twitter 2 years ago, baru nak berjinak3 activekan semula. but im still going to check on my fb, but not constantly online.

esok kerja balik. hmm. and i heard im not going to get off day on the SPM result's day. but it didnt freaks me out. oh please, im not going to work. i wont let work ruin my day. and now im thinking a perfect date to resign. i want a time off. before resume my studies. any what makes my worry is my mathematical skills, gosh not just mathematics i guess, everything. i really, really need to bo back on track and start thinking about my studies. i cant wait to start again though.

so please, please Add Math, Chemistry and Biology, come through my mind again, i miss you guys. haha.

Leia Mais

nothingness

listening to: Grey's Anatomy season 7 (unofficial soundtrack)

so budak plkn sudah balik. now im nervous. now i feel uneasy. kalau dulu cakap bile la spm results nak keluar cepatlah sikit nak jumpe kawan3. now, hell no. plkn people please go back to your camp, theres more to learn about loving your country and stuff. yeah. i cant stop thinking of it. sometimes rasa macam boleh staright As sometimes tak pulak sebab i definitely NOT satisfied on what ive wrote and answered on the spm papers. definitely. what i can do now is pray. i hope everything is going to be fine. nak tengok all my friends dapat keputusan gempak, if i dont get pun tengok diorang dah happy kot. my besties and i made this promise, if our names are called up for straight A, we will catwalk until we reach the stage and kiss pengetua. right yuna? wahahaha. kalau lah dapat.

i still dont know what is ahead me, i still cant imagine it, its blurrrr. maybe i do need to take a break from everything, sit down and think, what the hell i want to do in future.

Leia Mais

emotional

have you ever cry or feeling too emotional when you guys watch a movie or drama? well, these couple of days that was what happening to me. damn. i watched three sad, moving Japanese movies and they managed to leave something unusual in my heart. its not my first attempt or whatsoever watching romantic movies, but these three movies really are different from what Ive watched so far. i cant stop thinking of it, when a particular scene came across my mind, i felt uneasy and many questions running through my head. 'what if one of them not die?' 'what if the guy just confess his feelings?' ' what if she gave birth to the child?' and many more. i even felt like crying today when i was alone at the store room at my work place while taking out the stocks. am i being a little too dramatic? yes. its just a movie right? but i just cant stop thinking of it. shit. i think i might be addicted to it kot.

anyway, i tak kan bagi tahu how the story goes in these three films, tahu lah korang boleh google but saya tak promote pun, i just want to post about it.

and there's more pictures on my tumblr. bersepah. keje reblog jer. i cant wait to watch more movies like this. Korean maybe? haha












my best friend, Haqim will come to Seremban all the way from Terengganu. i hope he and his friends have a save journey. cant wait to see him.

Leia Mais

i want to do bad things to you

currently listening to: Says Who- Selena Gomez
currently reading: A Season of Leaves


another off day today, and it has been 2 days to the date i met all my close friends from saser and im still thinking about the meeting at mid valley last monday. there was a lot to talk about, and we did have fun. and one thing i realized that i was kept talking about my work place, even i could felt a little annoyed by it, but thats my life now, working at the freakin clothing store. i really wanted to shopping on that day but the only thing i bought was a novel. yeah, a novel. still reading it. never regret i bought it though.

okay stop the babbles. pagi ni bangun lambat for the first time in a month kot? memang dah tak biasa sebab hari2 bangun awal. one thing i hate about waking up late is the emotions. the mixing feelings that makes you feel misery or something. i dont know, kalau bangun awal, i feel great to start the day. and the reason is i watched japanese movie until 1 am and cant stop thinking about the movie and its hard for me to sleep. thanks to my friend, Cahaya, who shared her interest in karean/japanese movie and drama on the blog. so i end up bangun lambat. its a good movie and i want to watch more korean or japanese movies i guess. beralih angin la pulak.. so far my day is okay, i feel okay, just bosan sikit jer lah.

cant wait for True Blood season 4. i miss Eric and he's going to be hilang ingatan and stay with sookie :)

Leia Mais

my current life in 90 questions.

bila dah bosan, ni lah benda saya buat.

1. What was the highlight of your week?

JPJ test

2. Whose car were you in last?
my mom's.

3. When is the next time you will kiss someone?
i dont know?

4. What color shirt are you wearing?
haaa light brown. im wearing it since this morning. :)

5. How long is your hair?
not that long, i want it to be longer tho.

6. Are you good looking?
not really i guess.

7. Last movie you watched?
love and other drugs

8. Who were you with?
nobody

9. Last thing you ate?
Ayam Mas crispy chicken

10. Last thing you drank?
plain water and dutch lady chocolate milk.

11. When was the last time you had your heart broken?
likeee right now? haha

12. Who came over last?
nobody

13. Are you happy right now?
yeah, not really. i dont know.

14. What did you say last?
'diam ah'

15. Where is your phone?
i dont even know. somewhere. in my room i guess

16. What color are your eyes?
deep brown. nak jugakkkk brown kan padahal black. x tahu.

17. Are you left-handed?
nope

18. Spell your name without vowels:
ai aio

19. Do you have any pets?
nahhh

20. Favorite Vacation?
dah lame x pegi..x igt.

21. What do you dislike currently?
everything?

22. What are you listening to?
adele's songs. hmm

23. If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
a car? volkswagen beetle is friggin cute.

24. What is your favorite scent?
my room. i dont know what it smells like

25. Who makes you happiest?
today, no one.

26. What were you doing at midnight last night?
eating ice cream

27. When is your birthday?
october the 6th

28. Who has the same phone as you?
as far as i know, no one?

29. Last time you went swimming in a pool?
2 years ago.

30. Do you read your horoscope?
not really, used to in school, but not really believe in it

31. Where was the last place you bought something?
KFC

32. How do you feel about your hair right now?
need a little adjustment haha

33. Do you bite your nails?
nope

34. Do you have any expensive jewelery?
nah

35. Do you have any expensive jewelery?
-

36. Myspace or facebook?
fb, but moving on to twitter

37. How fast have you driven a car?
80 maybe?

38. Have you ever smoked?
yes, with my sister. and the rest is history. HAHA

39. What was or is your favorite subject in school?
English and Biology

40. Do you have Verizon?
nope

41. What type of boy or girl do you usually fall for?
tall, well not usually lah

42. Do you have any hidden talents?
yeah, making people believe me that im a total innocent

43. Favorite Song?
right now, someone like you kot

44. Do you like to sing at all?
yes, i sing all the time, anywhere. haha

45. Dream Job?
open a chocolate store. haha

46. Where does most of your family live?
seremban?

47. Are you an only child or do you have siblings?
have siblings

48. Would you consider yourself to be spoiled?
yeah, sometime

49. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up?
wakey wakey its jpj day bitch.

50. Do you drink?
no

51. Know any other languages?
learning chinese a bit from co-workers

52. Ever write a coded message?
yes

53. Have you ever been IN a wedding?
yes

54. Do you have any children?
no

55. Did you take a nap today?
one hour

56. Who has the same birthday as you?
haha tapai

57. Ever met anyone famous before?
not really

58. Do you want to be famous one day?
why not

59. Any Pet Peeves?
-

60. Are you multitasking right now?
not really

61. Do you like Britany Spears?
used to. haha

62. What is your least favorite chore?
sidai kain

63. Last place you drove your car?
jpj test route

64. Ever been out of the country?
no. kesian kan?

65. Where were you born?
N sembilan

66. Could you handle being in the military?
hahahha no

67. What is your average cell phone bill?
i use prepaid

68. Who are you thinking about right now?
the people who going to read this stupid survey.

69. When was the last time you laughed REALLY hard?
13th feb

70. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
3 i guess? kesian kan?

71. Are your toes always painted?
nope

72. How many piercings do you have?
none

73. What are you doing today?
driving test, open new bank account and cook

74. Have you ever been gambling?
no

75. When is the last time you updated your page?
today

76. Do you like rollercoasters?
never tried

77. Have you ever been to disneyland or world?
nope. kesian kan?

78. Do you have a favorite cartoon character?
no.

79. Last thing you cooked?
Ayam Mas Crispy Chicken

80. How's the weather?
fine

81. Do you e-mail?
nope

82. What's the stupidest thing you ever did with your cell phone?
downloading games that end up boring me

83. Last time you were sick?
tak ingat

84. What states have you lived in?
im in N9 my whole life, really.

85. Do you wish you could move?
yes, somewhere far away.(bajet gile)

86. Do you take all the QuizPox.com quizzes?
huh? no.

87. What is your dream car?
Volkswagen Beetle

88. Have you ever wanted someone you cant have?
yes.

89. If you could be anywhere right now where would it be?
with all my friends, having road trip to somewhere nice and far from home :)

90. Are you happy with your life?
yeah, its not that bad lah.

Leia Mais

I am number four

not about the movie, or book. its my angka giliran for my jpj test today. well the engine died once, and i am acting all nerdy and overly nervous boy infront of the jpj tester, even im not really THAT nervous. but once i entered the car, rihanna's songs was playing on the radio. and the jpj guy was fine, he kinda told me everything i need to do while im driving so i just followed what he directed me to do, he make it a little easy for me, but at the same time, its kinda discomforting cause im not really focused, in addition of the music playing at the background gave me both soothing and irritating at the same time, i dont know, but it all went well until we were at the exact junction to parking the car, i was confused whether i should enter the junction or not, and i got scolded, thanks, abang jpj for making my supposed-to-be-a-great-day to a nerve recking moment. i dont know what i just said. i got 16/20. and its doesnt matter as long i passed right? thanks to my driving instructor, Abg Misri, im gonna miss the moment you singing those 80's Malay songs while teaching me to drive, and Cik Shida, and my dad for those extra classes at home. now, i have to complete my motorcycle's license which im not excited looking forward to.

im looking a right movie to watch tonight, but the mood melted and i dont know why.

Leia Mais

friends

im not going to talk about how my day was today. as usual, when i logged in to my blogger i'll read every single blog posts by people who im following. it doesnt matter how long, stupid or hard to understand, i'll read all your posts. cause thats one of the reason im creating my blog, not just to babbling about whats going on in my head, but i want to know, to read, about other people's mind, life and confessions. i just read my friend's blog, allan and yuna. i almost cried while reading allan's post, then yuna. oh my god. i cried. ive been blogging since 2009 and after reading my friends blog i realized ive never been 100% sincere in my posts. i post about less important things instead about the main stuff thats goes on my mind. rasa macam rendah diri bila bace blog diorang. they let out everything without even care about what people say, tapi aku masih takut about what people may think. reading yuna and allan's blogs makes me realized what is the thing that i always felt like missing in me. i thought its about someone i love, but never tell my feelings towards that person, i thought its about how miserable my life is being so lonely and got nobody to share my world with. now i know that was all wrong. fucking wrong. the things that makes my feel lonely, miserable and missing is my friends. i was totally forgotten them. i forgot what are their roles in my life, they are my comfort, they are my place to share everything, to share my world not that stupid person i think im in love with. yeah i start to feel like life is getting harder everyday, especially after school. why? because my friends are not around. im just busy with my life, wanted to get a job, want to get my driving license but never think about spending time with my friends. sometimes i feel like i am too greedy about things. i want everything according to plan. what the hell is wrong with me?

im glad that our friendship is still there even we are all over the place, none of us seeing each other that often. thats sucks. i want the clock turing a little bit faster so that i can see my friends. theres a lot to talk about. im sorry that i abandoned you guys. im sorry that i didnt call you, haqim, im sorry i ignoring your phone call, im sorry that i think that i dont need you guys. im just sorry.

p/s: happy birthday to my niece, Adra Qistina, dah dua tahun dah. thanks for brighten my day. love you :D

Leia Mais

glamor ker?

my day started with having breakfast. i woke up pretty early even i have to work at 2. then prepare to go to work. at work place ive done nothing but looking at clothes bar code and counting those clothes. it was boring. then at 10, we all, FOS staff change our clothes and the day started to get a little interesting.

i went to Doll Restaurant with Fiq, cause im the only one there who still dont have a car and license. while others drove their own cars. once we got there, everything was set on the table. some of them already waited for us. gosh why in the hell im writing this way? is it just me feel boring or you too feels it while reading this? haha

okay. we ate, laughed, and telling jokes to each other. in my last post, ingat the tema? red and white. yeah everybody wore red and white except our assistant manager. i was like " why is he invited anyway?" then, cabutan bertuah. haha Fiq started to give each one of us a piece of rolled paper and it were taped. the funny part was we have trouble to fucking open the tape. haha. then when i opened mine, it said "PALING GLAMOR. FUYOO MEMENG GLAMOR" i was like "wtf it supposed to mean?" then they all getting excited to see what each of us got, some got "haha layak dapat saguhati jer" other got " your beautiful, tiru macam saye" somethng like that. i was still blur, still figuring out whats going on. then, rupe2 nye ade lak competition untuk baju tercantik and terglamor. adeh. tapi buat cabutan. haha. anyway im tired, thats why im writing like this. i got a present, a clay-made door hanger. written FOS 2011. im happy.

i dont know why im telling you guys these stupid details, but, i am blessed to be around with awesome crowd and great co-workers. good night people.

Leia Mais

wish nothing but the best

today: woke up early in the morning, get ready for my driving lesson. and i had my qualification test from the institute and i passed. its kinda funny cause once i got the car, dengan confident nye just buat 10 things before you drive the car. and the instructor dont even looked at what im doing. then die, " dah buat sume?" i was like, "dah!" (dengan cinfident mcm palat-nye) then he said " klu dah kenapa x bunyi hon? kenape x pakai seat belt lagi?". fuh, malu sial. but anyway, i passed the test. its like just driving around the institute not the JPJ's route.

tomorrow: so FOS planned this dinner among the staff. so yeah, tomorrow after closing our store, we will head to somewhere to have a dinner. bersemangat tuh, "tema kita malam nanti putih and merah" i was laughing when the first time i heard that before i realised they dont fucking kidding. so i looked over my closet and thank God, ade plak this one t-shirt putih berkolar merah..haha dah lame x pakai cause its kinda gay-ish sikit. bare chest siket. haha. but heck i dont care, they will be more less care anyway. hope tomorrow night will be great :)

what the presenter said before she performed is fucking TRUE

Leia Mais

push

im feeling natural right now. and slightly lonely. i feel like i keep pushing everybody away and just want to be alone. i cant even explain my condition right now, im pushing everyone away when i need them at the most. i keep thinking i need to be alone and i can survive this feeling by keeping it on my own. that is the normal me. i never tell anyone about my real feelings. yeah i still smiling, laughing, being goofy but nothing is actually okay. so im here to say that im sorry to anyone that feels like im trying to stay away from your life. im sorry.

Leia Mais

survey 18/2/11

dah lame x buat. im soo bored. igt zaman myspace buat bende ni and post on bulletin. i dont really know whats the point of doing this anyway.

Take this survey

1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
closed

2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?
yeah. haha

3. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
in

4. Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
nope

5. Do you like to use post-it notes?
yessss. when i was in school. for sejarah's text book :)

6. Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?
yes.

7. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?
big bear

8. Do you have freckles?
no

9. Do you always smile for pictures?
not really.

10. What is your biggest pet peeve?
People who invite me out somewhere then cancel.

11. Do you ever count your steps when you walk?
haaa no.

12. Have you ever peed in the woods?
yes :)

13. What about pooped in the woods?
no.

14. Do you ever dance even if theres no music playing?
yeah, music in my head, thats all i need.

15. Do you chew your pens and pencils?
no.

16. How many people have you slept with this week?
27361827362123

17. What size is your bed?
queen

18. What is your Song of the week?
Born This Way

19. Is it okay for guys to wear pink?
depends on the colour and the person who wears it.

20. Do you still watch cartoons?
nope.

21. Whats your least favorite movie?
yesterday i watched Green Hornet. blah.

22. Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?
not really.

23. What do you drink with dinner?
plain water

24. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
nothing.

25. What is your favorite food?
chocolate

26. What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
The Devil Wears Prada.

27. Last person you kissed/kissed you?
nobody.

28. Were you ever a boy/girl scout?
never.

29. Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
hahaha no.

30. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?
school days i guess.

31. Can you change the oil on a car?
no.

32. Ever gotten a speeding ticket?
what?

33. Ran out of gas?
not YET.

34. Favorite kind of sandwich?
anything with mayonis in it

35 Best thing to eat for breakfast?
french toast

36. What is your usual bedtime?
half past midnight

37. Are you lazy?
not really.

38. When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?
-

39. What is your Chinese astrological sign?
-

40. How many languages can you speak?
not much

41. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
no.

42..Which are better legos or lincoln logs?
lego

43. Are you stubborn?
sometimes

44. Who is better...Leno or Letterman?
i dont know

45. Ever watch soap operas?
nope

46. Afraid of heights?
nah

47. Sing in the car?
yes, sing along with the radio, yes.

48. Dance in the shower?
yes, haha.

49. Dance in the car?
rarely

50. Ever used a gun?
nope. just touched one.

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
heeee

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?
no

53. Is Christmas stressful?
-

54. Ever eat a pierogi?
is it like karipap?

55. Favorite type of fruit pie?
apple

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
doctor and ballet dancer. W-T-F

57. Do you believe in ghosts?
yeah

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
yup.

59. Take a vitamin daily?
yes, vit C

60. Wear slippers?
yeah

61. Wear a bath robe?
nope, towels

62. What do you wear to bed?
tees and track bottom

63. First concert?
idk

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?
none

65. Nike or Adidas?
hahahhh idk

66.Cheetos Or Fritos?
-

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?
sunflower

68. Ever hear of the group Tres Bien?
nah

69. Ever take dance lessons?
nope

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?
dont have any idea about that

71. Can you curl your tongue?
yup

72. Ever won a spelling bee?
nope

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
yeah

74. Own any record albums?
sadly, no.

75. Own a record player?
no.

76. Regularly burn incense?
nope

77. Ever been in love?
yeah

78. Who would you like to see in concert?
Lady Gaga

79. What was the last concert you saw?
heee

80.Hot tea or cold tea?
hot

81.Tea or coffee?
coffee

82. Sugar or snickerdoodles?
sugar

83.Can you swim well?
cant swim

84.Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?
yes

85. Are you patient?
yeah. i think.

86. DJ or band, at a wedding?
band

87.Ever won a contest?
yes, but cant tell, its amberassing.

88. Ever have plastic surgery?
haha

89. Which are better black or green olives?
black? the one on the top of pizza

90.Can you knit or crochet?
nope

91. Best room for a fireplace?
reading room

92. Do you want to get married?
-

93. If married, how long have you been married?
-

94. Who was your HS crush?
haha cant tell.

95. Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way?
not really.

96. Do you have kids?
no

97. Do you want kids?
yes

98. Whats your favorite color?
currently, white.

99. Do you miss anyone right now?
hell yeah.

100. Did you watch, Next Great American Band on FOX?
nope

Leia Mais