Roses.

I don't know why but tonight I feel like writing and never thought I'd choose my old blog. I don't know what to write either but I'm just going to type in whatever that crossed my mind.

Last few days I bought myself 3 beautiful red roses from the floral shop downstairs where I live here in Damansara, I don't know why I bought it, but I always love roses. I bought a hand bouquet for my friend as a farewell gift, and I just have this thing, a feeling like I want to put something nice on my study desk as the exam is just around the corner (I will spend most of the days on the table anyway). Well, yeah, I bought the roses for myself, I cut the end, put it on the glass Snapple juice bottle I keep for months, put fresh waters and put it there on my table. It was nice, they were pretty. I felt they were the kind of flowers that bloom majestically. But then I felt bad. Cause they have to die to be on my desk, because they were pretty and I like them. I remember when I was a kid my late brother gave me a purple rose he got from his graduation. I kept that rose for years, I just let it dry and still put it on my desk at home, I don't recall what happened to the dried flower now, but even it was dead and lost the colour purple, I liked it. That was the first time I ever owned a rose, given by my late brother. It never occurred to me until today, when I watch these three red roses that I bought wilting, dying.

So I decided to keep these flowers dry. I want to make sure even when they are dead, they're sacrifice of being pretty worth it, even after the colors are gone. I'll show you what they'll look like after few years (hopefully)

Leia Mais

2013

I almost forgot to write my review on 2013 (my life, of course.) Few minutes before midnight now, and here we go.

There's a lot of differences between 2012 and 2013, A LOT. Its almost a joke how fast things change, and how many actually leave. First of all, what I noticed I cry lesser this year (LOL) I don't know why but I did. At least I just stop myself crying over stupid things I guess. And what I see, I turned back into myself around 2008-2010 where I just care more about myself and less about others. Okay maybe not.

One of the biggest change, of course, reading at Help University for degree in Psychology. Its amazed me how I finally doing something I really like and actually knowing what the hell I'm doing. The people there are different from any crowd I've been with, making me more open towards learning new knowledge and new experience in life. I made few friends and yeah, its not the same with one I had back at KTT but I tried my best.

Now that life is different the only thing that keeps remind me to be myself is my book. I love to read and living in Help I just make time for myself even more than before. And to realized that being alone is not totally a bad thing, I took advantage by exploring my creativity on writing. Yeah I have to write in order to do good in this course, so yeah.

This year I also spend more time with family, building back the relationship as I feel like I spend less time with them last year.

(It's 12 already, Hello 2014)

Above all I'm still the same Shafiq, I still have the same interest, same personality (hopefully) and I still love the people in my life.

I hope 2014 going to be the year where I achieve what I dream of, meeting more exciting people and exploring the world even more.

Here's to the past and the future. Walk that road, bitch.

XXX

Leia Mais

Nights

Well Hi.

I'm currently on my semester break and to be honest I haven't even gone out of the house for three whole weeks now, and I don't even want to. And of course I don't sleep at night anymore, instead I'll start drifting into the dreamland while the sun rises, oh well. One interesting thing about staying up late at night or not even sleep when its dark outside is the tranquility. My mind almost free from many thoughts, instead I could think about one particular thing at the time. Usually I could relive the past memories, my childhood memories, every details, from the smells, sights, touch and how I felt that time.

Well I believe as we grew older, we tend to repress the unwanted memories and instead, we remember the memories that we want to remember, more often the happy memories. But for me, I like to relive and go back in time to the odd memories that made me feel embarrassed, sad, humiliated or betrayed because those memories, ah, they are the one that help me to become who I am now. Not saying happy memories are bad or anything, but it is important to know the event that takes place in your life that change the way you think and act.

And yes, I have a lot of bitter memories, and its funny when you were a kid you don't fully understand how certain events can hurt your feeling and it might hurt you now when you start thinking it through, but for me, it is up to me to turn the negativity into something good and positive. Many people might said they want to be a kid again, bla bla bla. but not me. I want to relive that moment but with my level of intelligence and maturity I have now. Well things might turn out differently of course, but I want to see how much changes I can make.

Okay this is getting weird now.

There are a lot more stuff I do while staying up on the night while everybody else asleep, but this particular activity ( if its even an activity ) is the one I found interesting to share. (or maybe not) (okay)

I'll post my summary of 2013 on the next entry. Take care, be kind.

Leia Mais

My Mind.

I find it is exceptionally annoying to have this unknown anxiety which I don't even know where it came from. I noticed it whenever I have assignment or work to do -- which are both important and crucial for me to finish it before the deadline, I always find myself doing things that are not presenting that I am doing my work. Let say, one night I'll be like "I have to finish this essay by tonight" looked to the watch and it was 9pm, "oh still early" then I'll surf the internet like nobody's business and realized it was too late and go to bed. Then end up doing it the night before the deadline.
Ugh.
Recently I have a counselling session to discuss my test results (personality test, aptitude and others). Well my test results shown I have a pretty high level anxiety. So I know I can link this to my procrastination with my work. I have no idea what I'm scared of, but I tend to release the tension of starting the work by doing other stuffs.
Other than anxiety, I have a short amount of attention towards something. I just got bored easily. And that makes me want to do everything at the same time when I know it wont happen. My mind keeps jumping from one thought to another in seconds, so I felt sorry if someone tells me a story and along the way I find it boring I'll just think about other stuff like "What I want to get for my lunch today?" yeah something like that. So my mission is actually to bring back my focus to my mind, my brain so wouldn't regret about not paying attention on what things that matter.

Leia Mais

20

Hello.

I just turned 20. I have no idea why I'm not that excited but yeah, I'm like young adult now. The older you get, the more responsibilities you have to take. Ugh. Well, I'm pretty much still learning how to be independent and taking care of myself now, especially when I'm still trying to adjusting with the new life right now, yeah, it tends to get lonely sometimes but I'm trying to turn that loneliness into something good. Its been awhile I don't have that space for myself and I am focusing on my studies and making myself happy. No more drama that meant nothing, no more laughing till you forget the world. I miss it, but I'm growing.

Ouh yeah, one more thing, I'm studying Psychology right now, so I'm taking this opportunity to really learning about myself and understand who I am today and what I want to be in the future. It's fun and sad at the same time though.

love, Shafiq.

Leia Mais

That Kid.

Things change.
No matter how much you wish thing stays as what it is, it will eventually change. And the hardest things to do are saying goodbye to what is almost perfect and move on. I found myself in the strange place when I have to start all over again, mostly cause I am tired of doing it again and again, and it is strange because the loneliness creeps into me and I let myself being sad and dark and let people think I don't want to be in touch with them when secretly I am dying because I miss them. Maybe because I don't think I will ever meet the kind of people that accepts and appreciates me for who I am. Its tiring to find that people who understand me and the way I bring myself to this world, and the scare of being judged.
I may be  a fun and bubbly person but once I get close to someone they slowly will notice my darker sides which usually, based on my experience, they'll run.

Today marks the day where mostly all my close friends have already start their new life in overseas, as studying there doing medic/dentistry. I am genuinely happy for them but I can't help thinking they are leaving my alone here, in this strange place with strange people. Its not the same anymore. Things changed.

But on the other side, I am ready to grow and to develop a new person I always wanted to be. I don't know exactly what is it but there's a lot of possibilities may come. I want to be a Bad Kid, Crazy Kid, or maybe this is the time where I just become more private as a person. I don't know. What the heck. Here's to the future, and to the kids who are not afraid of changing.

X
shafiq

Leia Mais

Almost

Hello.

If you noticed my starting line will be 'Its been a while...' but it is. It is been a while. What motivates me to post this is, the promise I keep to keep posting in this blog even once a year because I'm not going to leave this blog, I want to write, as long as I can.

I'm thinking to write a journal or something where I can actually write whatever I want without the feeling of being judge but, I'm not ready yet, to pour out everything, just not yet.

Wow I feel awkward. This is my blog for god sake. Okay, let me just write about things I've learnt these past few months. And yeah, 2013 is definitely the year of transition, the year of change.

This year I've learnt that, to lose everything you have ever wanted, even if you managed to grab it in your hands, it'll just slip away. Once you realized you've lost it, then all you got to do is to let it go.  I almost thought my dreams became reality, I almost felt how is it like to be loved, I almost have the material and worldly things I've always wanted, I almost felt genuinely safe, I almost thought my life is complete. I almost thought I've forgotten everything that saddens me, and be happy. But life is surprising. It'll take you down the road you never thought you will go through, not matter how much you are ready to take it in, you'll be surprised. TA-DA.

But darling, you'll get through it, keep going.

I also learnt that its okay to be alone sometimes, its okay to give yourself the space. Yeah, there's a time I thought I was crazy for talking to myself, but in a way, I learn about myself better. Its not like I'm pushing everybody away, but I need to keep things for myself. I need to feel sane for awhile, and breathe. And its okay.

love, shafiq.

Leia Mais

Twenty-twelve.

Hello.

I remember I said on my last year's post, 2012 going to be a crazy year. Well, it is CRAZY. Where should I start. Oh yeah, college starts as usual, then prepared for AS and IELTS. And then yeah, the bigger exam A2, repeat AS, (ouch) yeah pretty crazy.

But its been the most meaningful year for me, kinda like roller coaster ride. Its keeps me high and scares, and   laugh at the same time. I guess my life in 2012 wasn't that bad at all. I met with awesome group of people, and they make me feel like I am accepted the way I am.

2012 also been the year I cried a lot. Crying over the exam results, over the goodbyes, the drama. But I turned out to be fine. Yeah, at least I know I'm fine now. I was at the lowest, coldest ground but I did keep my heads up to breathe, and I keep breathing. Which is fine for me just to know I have more to gain in tomorrows.

As in feelings, I think I've moved on, and let go. Someone told me to not let go, but I think I have to for my own good. I can see that every steps that I'm taking now is to let go.

I am blessed to have these people around me : My family, my best friends, my close friends, my friends, my housemates, my classmates and the list is going on....

(wow I am overly positive right now)

So, I will close this year with forgiving and letting go my past. Which ever next year will lead me, I am ready.

X

Leia Mais

Let go.

Hello readers,

I might have or haven't did it again. I promised myself I won't let it happen again but I guess it did happened. And this time its way more than I would've imagine it is. I'm not even sure what to call it. Love? Maybe. After trying to move on from my high school past, it hit me again. And I might actually know how is it going to end, and I'm sure its going to end badly and I will end up hurt, but it happened.

I tried so hard to shield myself but I ended up suffocating, trying to breathe, because I want more, and I felt bad about that. I know I'm going to hurt but I couldn't help myself. "Don't play with fire" as wise man said. But I wasn't sure it will be that dangerous.

But I thank Allah for making everything turned out to be much more than I wanted it to be. I let go. I let go the second I'm saying goodbye. And that's the whole reasons I cried when I said it. I cannot ask more, I got what is more precious than I thought it is. I got friendship. And I'm going to keep it that way. Because this is how things meant to be and I'm going to learn to accept it.

I'm going to miss those hugs, those eyes, and those hands that I thought were made to hold my hands cause I've never hold anyone's hands that is so perfect with mine. I'm glad I took every last days to the very best cause I'm aware I might not going to have it anymore, not anymore with the feelings still inside me. I'm letting go something that seems to be very special to me, but I'm going to save something is even more precious, the friendships.

Love,

  Shafiq.

Leia Mais

Goodbyes

Hello readers.
I'm here, yes, still reading your posts, and it took me a while to have the guts to write again. I don't know what I'm scared about, but for sure I'm scared I would let it all here and make people who cares wondering.
I really want to post a blog since my holiday starts but yeah, I'm scared.

Yes, A-level ended, so does my college life in KTT. The small place that give me everything I could ever asked. It was sad to leave everything and everyone behind but we got to move on, right?
I guess I'm not the kind of person that good at saying goodbyes and change things around because I hate of starting new, I hate doing things from square one. Yeah, I hated it when the first time I went to KTT because I have to start all over again with new people, but I am grateful I keep being who I am inside until today that I've gone through the 1.5 years with success.

So right now I'm just going to enjoy the time home and this (hopefully) long holiday and move on.

I got so many things to say, so many questions to ask here but I might choose to keep it to myself, or maybe I'll write it somewhere else. Until we meet again.

Love, 

Shafiq

Leia Mais

The Way.

Malam raya.
So, how's my Ramadhan went?
I can't describe it in words, its EVERYTHING. Ramadhan ni ramadhan paling bermakna, paling banyak memori and I think I'm going to remember it for the rest of my life, yes. RAMADHAN 2012.

Hati. Hati ni berputar sana sini, di terbalikkan, di campak, belek-belek, di letakkan di tempat tinggi. Gembira, sedih, hancur, excited, berbunga, semua Allah yang jadikan. Di saat terima results AS, malma tuh aku berdoa, walauapapun result aku dapat, aku terima, aku nak Allah hadirkan REDHA dalam hati ini, aku nak Allah berada di sisiku. YES, that's exactly what He gave me.

Sedih. Memang sedih, tapi hati ni perlahan-lahan terima jugak, sedih bukan sebab Allah hancurkan hati ni, taakkkk. Sedih sebab orang-orang yang concern, yang give me the words to get me back on my feet. I never blamed anyone, not even myself. I cried because, I need to. But it all goes away, somehow, it makes me stronger.

Allah takkan bagi ujian ni kalau aku tak kuat, Dia tahu aku boleh, alah baru ujian sikit je nih, but to feel how He is with you, how He wants to show you THE WAY, even in the most ridiculous way, He knows what's the best. and that's beautiful. Not everybody get what I've got.

For those who believing me, yes, I love you guys, my parents, my sister, my family, Yuna, Haqim, GBS. They are always there. Maybe this is one of the way Allah wants me to know how much people around me love me, support me and at the same time I getting closer to him.

Yes, I love this Ramadhan, kinda sad its leaving me, leaving us. And i cannot wait for the next one. InsyaAllah. 

Leia Mais

What might you do?

There's so many things i really want to write here but i think im just going to squeeze it here in one post. Yeah. LAZY.

So I'm on my holiday right now, just after AS examinations. Doing things I really wanted to do with my friends, Yuna and Jiga and shopping all around KL and got into every single Kitschen stores we could find in EVERY mall we visited but ended up buying NONE of if. I love it. When you feel like your feet like going to detach from your body just because you keep walking to find some good price clothes we can buy. Love it. Shopping with my best friend is great.

Apart of that I do missing my college friends and the crazy things we do together. Yeah, with GBS I tried many new things, and thats what I love about being with them. Banana Boat, Ice Skating, and many more (just because we don't want any other people know what we were doing). Yes.

Ouh yeah, I also went to Christina Perri's concert. My first concert experience actually, and its perfect. She played songs from her album Lovestrong and some new songs for new upcoming second album.  I had a great time there and I would like to go to this kind of concert, you know, pop or indie where people dont go crazy.

Now I'm trying not to be over nervous about my upcoming exam results and Ielts or International Tests whatsoever, I'm trying to enjoy this holiday as much as i can and trying not to worry much about the future. EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE OKAY.

much love. X

Leia Mais

when....

There's a time when you feel like everybody around you is your definite enemy.

There's a time when you dream about things that you sure with all your heart that it won't be reality.

There's a time when you're not sure whether you are ready to face the future.

There's a time when you want to feel the old feelings that had brought you to the ground, still you miss the feelings and the acknowledgementof your heart is empty with nothing is hurtful too, you are confuse what to choose.

There's a time when you laying in bed in the dark, you can't help to think that you're lonely and maybe someday you'll be alone and everybody will leave you.

There's a time when you feel the unexplainable pain right in your chest and you know it's stupid to have that pain, to even let it happen in you.

There's a time when you know what to let go but still, to know that there's a thing you can't throw away upset you, but no, you took it as a strength, to move on.

You are strong enough to get through this, you know it, but there's a time when you have had enough. You know Allah created your heart with only ONE hole in it, and He is the one who deserves to be in it than any of the creatures you thought might be perfect to be in your heart.

So, don't be sad, don't get mad.

You know everything will be okay. You know you won't even standing to this date if you're not strong enough.

X

Leia Mais

Holes inside.

we try to make that love thingy. total failure!

HI? Anyone care anymore? No? okay.

hmmm my last post was like in january, now its freaking June. okay. Its like half of the year. Lots, lots of things happened, lots of story to tell. Thanks to Cambridge A-level, i almost forgot i have a blog to take care of. Its June. Im still in the middle of my AS exam. Wow don't ask about the questions, it seems like educations nowadays keep putting more and more locks on the door to get through to our dreams. okay whatever.

But i AM grateful to have 9 awesome friends/college mates that make my life little less boring. We did what most of the kids at KTT don't do, especially when one of us bring a car and we will go wild to get the hell out of the college gate and be young, feel young. I love you guys.

Speaking of love, wow that was long time ago huh. I feel free for awhile, like there's an empty hole in my heart that i can't afford to feel weird to not have that 'feelings'. but yeah not long after that it came back for different person. But I didn't let myself be that stupid person i was before I be more careful with feelings and stuff. And yeah I'm happy and better than ever.

That's all from me for now. Wait another 6 months for the next post y'all!

Leia Mais

Open Up.

Hello people. Yes. My first post for 2012. and i know 2012 going to be a crazy year for me. i know.

I don't really want to talk about that.

It's been quite a year for me on 2011 and I'm ready to step forward and face everything in 2012. So this week I took my chance to meet my friends, my high school friends. We do have such a great time together and I'm thanking Allah for giving me awesome people to surround with.

And i can't forget the night where all of us have heart to heart conversations, i can see we are growing up, being more mature and learning from things that happening in our lives. But of course, we won't quite forget about our past. Its still there. Its what keep us strong as friends.

And the time had already came for me to tell them the secret I've been keeping all these years. Questions were asked. Explanations were demanded. I can't really tell them the whole picture of it cause everything that happened to me was like a dream that you just have only a small portion of the images from the dream when you woke up. The images are in my mind, in my heart but it was hard for me to get it out by words. It was not easy.

But I'm over it. So over that I do feel like I was being so dump for even having the feeling that I shouldn't have. And by talking about it, surprisingly, made me realized everything was a joke. And I'm grateful for that.

"Dia ade bagi harapan ke kat kau?"

I don't know what to answer cause I'm not even sure about everything. About what I felt.

Leia Mais

2011- the whole of it.

Okay, today is the last day of 2011. And I'm not in my best of health but I'm recovering from this fever. And i know Allah has a better plan for me, so today i will celebrate New Year just like past few years, sitting in front of this very same computer and listening to music and chatting with friends on facebook. Wow. What a wonderful way to celebrate. Maybe if i get out and have fun i will have TOO MUCH fun. okay. enough.

2011.

What a year.
It teaches me everything i never thought i would learn. Many new things happened and appeared in front of me with or without me noticing it. And some, remain the same. but, yeah. Still, I'm grateful for everything.

I learn about our society's behavior when i worked at FOS, i learn how hard it is to find money and how important education is, i learn about real world. How is it to be work under employer. I tell you, its not always that fun but you'll cherish it.

Then i got to know good news. I got the scholarship under Mara. One step to achieve my dream, to become a dentist. That one small step change everything. About my life, myself and the way i appreciate things.

Then I got to continue my study. New collage, KTT, Sepang. New environment, new people, new attitude i guess. But what i grateful of with this collage is, i met awesome friends, we called ourselves GBS, we made a small group but awesome enough to take care of each other, and make each other laughs everyday. And my studies here still, I'm very disappointed with myself, i know something wrong with me, and now I'm trying to make myself better so that i can get this A-level done and fly.

Yeah i said some of things still the same. Like my feelings towards you? I don't know what went wrong but I'm happy the feelings that keep make myself miserable is gone now, for now. I'm glad that you are not the one i think of every time i listen to a sad, love song. Yeah not anymore. Its kinda weird cause nowadays when i listen to Adele, its not you appearing in my mind, my mind is empty. Thank you for making things clear actually.

That's all i guess. Cant wait for the countdown. I love you guys, I love myself, I love every person who care about me. I love you, Allah for keep making me realise how much my life worth to keep trying and be stronger each day. Alhamdulillah, i close this year with an open heart.

Much love,
Shafiq. X

Leia Mais

Only fools rush in.

Well, im still breathing.

Ive been busy with collage for finals, and finally its done. Gone through pretty much emotional weeks because like i always say, exams do change me in the way i act and in the way my brain suppose to respond. its different. but hey, im back. now its a week of sem break. yeah, its short but im going to spend more time with my family and friends. i just cant believe its been 6 months i am reading at KTT.

So in this entry i would like to share about a movie i just watched, Like Crazy.

Im kinda guy who loves to a low-budget indie movies. I like it cause its usually simple, down to earth and yeah, no bull-shits.

So this movie kinda remind me of one of my fav, Blue Valentine. It shows us the reality, that happening around us.

You said nothing is changed, but i can see so many things changing and i feel kinda regret to have this feeling sometimes, i dont know about whats coming on future but i hope it wont be that bad. i dont want to be at the same position, please.

X

Leia Mais

Absence.

Its almost 4 in the morning. Feel so alone. So lonely. But its okay. use to it. Nothing much really happen, except that i really miss my parents right now. I can feel the absence. They went for Haji this year, praying everything going to be okay there and save. Sometimes I can feel that I am an orphan. I can see clearly how life is without my parents on my side, on my sibling's sides. but its just for a while, hopefully.

But their absence makes our bond as brothers and sister stronger than ever. Alhamdulillah for that. cause many things happens and my sister said this once to me, "Kenapa aku rase bertimpa, musibah jadi kat aku?" but she always remind herself that everything that happened is the test from the Almighty. I agree. But i just cant wait to meet my parents, i really miss them.

and the final exam is keep haunting me. still, im a big lazy ass. Malas nak study. Haih. Hopefully my mom pray for me. to be a little more hardworking, and care. yes, care about whats going on.

hmmm what else, ouh yeah. That little conversation we had just make me realised it was nothing at all. all this time is such a waste and im happy i didnt opened up anything.

so nothing more lah kot. Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha. enjoy your holiday :)

Leia Mais

alright

i really, really can't think of anything. everything seems not real anymore. and its like just a waste of time to think of those stuff. the more i think of it the more confusing it becomes. so i just want to focus on the presence.

i really dont care about anything right now. studies, heck. i just want to meet my friends, to fing connections. i miss them. they are the reasons im still hanging around on that collage. they believe in me.

its okay, its alright. if you watch E! True Hollywood Stories you know how the live. they will go down to the drain at one point of their life and turn up to be okay at last. right? we all going to be okay, right?

Leia Mais

Eighteen

These couples of weeks have been quite a journey. I was at the state where i was so sad and extremely happy.

why sad?

hmm i cried a lot. yeah. because my maths lecturer, miss fateha is going to leave us, leave me. The rumor starts to spread weeks before the night she gathered all of us to tell the sad news. I was just sad and angry when i heard about the news she's leaving but even sadder and hurt when she told us to close our eyes, and listen to what she got to say. I knew it would happen. I knew, but it was hurt just like the first time i heard it. yeah, shes leaving.

I know why shes leaving. and I know she have a solid reasons to leave. I am happy with her choice. I am happy that shes trying to be happy but, shes the main reasons why im still struggling taking maths, still bother to solve the maths problems because i love the way she teaches us, i love her class, she made me accept maths the way it is and continue doing it eventhough i can just simply drop maths anytime i want.

Even its hard to accept that shes going to leave KTT in few days, I will try to keep the promises. She dont want us to drop maths.

"Shafiq, awak boleh, boleh dapat A, usaha lebih, Miss tau awak boleh"

"Shafiq, keluar dari zero group tu, its time awak lebih dari orang lain"

"Miss tak nak awak drop maths, sebab maths membantu awak, pecayalah cakap miss. Miss gerenti kalau awak buat elok2 boleh dapat A"

"Lepas ni miss dah takde nak marah2 awak, nak merajuk, awak kene usaha sendiri"

These words keep repeating in my head. Anyway, miss, I had a great time in your class, Im going to miss all the laughter, the pressure when doing your quiz, the fun. You make me look at maths differently. You make me take the challenge. I cant promise anything, but i will try my best. Going to miss you badly.


anddd why happy?

On 6th October, it was my birthday. My classmates and GBS (geng bas sekolah KTT) made a surprise for me. Keep me at mamak until 12 and went outside, there you go. My classmates who live at the apartment sing Happy Birthday with piano. Okay. The whole collage heard that. but its sooo sweet. Im happy and grateful for the rest of the day.

and on my birthday also i realised that its okay if you're already gone. its okay to be on my own. and its okay to let my heart go.

thats all. bye.

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