Tell me that all we had were lies.

Stand there and look into my eyes
And tell me that all we had were lies
Show me that to you it don't count
And I'll stand here if you prefer

Yes I'll leave you without a word

Life's funny isn't it? Sometimes i just getting tired to know how small the world is. OUR world. Sometimes its getting so ridiculous that i dont even care what is coming next. Yes, i was left speechless. But once that hope just gone, a new one keeps coming. Im not sure why, but its funny. Just. FUNNY. How we related to each other, how its just hurt when someone you dont expect to say the name, MENTIONING the name and know that particular person you running from very damn well.

And next you realized that the same old feeling keep coming back, the feeling you try to keep away from your new life. I tried to figure out why im feeling this way. I keep telling myself i dont want the same old shits happening to me all over again cause im tired of waiting for something that not even real cause im gonna hurt myself, and i got no one to talk to. But i dont know whether what i feel is right or not. But you know what, im not going to give any hopes, im tired of that. So im just gonna wait and see if its real or just me going crazy about something which is not real. yeah. Whatever. I dont know what to feel anymore.

I wish you don't look at me like that, i wish i never knew you, i wish you never hold my hands, i wish you never try to make me happy. I know its not real, I know its just some kind of jokes but please, don't.


Okay. now back to the real reality. really.


Now im reading this book, Water for Elephants. Im on chapter, hmm wait. Nine i guess. im not sure i like it or not cause im not getting "there" yet. but the plots are rising, and im sure its going to be interesting. and i dont want to watch the movie, yet. Not until i've finished reading it. OK thats my life now.

waiting,
wasting,
drowning,
and sleeping.
Oh wait. twittering. yes. that one. like my official public diary. okay maybe not diary. OK i stop here. <3

Leia Mais

hold me, please.

Im home. yeah. kalau post blog tuh oline kat rumah lah jawab nye. malu nak mintak budak rumah pinjam lappy nak post blog. as i dont want them to read my blog (kot).

i dont know exactly how to express my feelings right now cause i dont even know how it get to me. its been a stressful weeks, yes. but i dont know how to cope it anymore. i got nothing to hold on. yes, maybe people see me living my collage life and im doing fine right now but hey, deep down its all mess.

i dont know.

i dont know.

i dont know.

maybe its the way how people treat me here? hey i might be nice and you can pick me up with your words just because im different it doesnt mean im happy about it. hey, i might be smiling but im that closer to punch you in your face. hey i might look like i got nothing on you but i can make you cry. i can change the whole house turning into big sad fucking wretch family. but im good, im fine, thats me, i still can hold my guards and pretend its nothing.

AND yeah, the feelings i used to hold on, the feelings i dont want to let go just vanished. GONE. fucking hilang. thanks to facebook i guess. i dont know how you can be so stupid. but i dont blame you for all of this, but come on? yelah, go lah. move on, i hope you're happy or whatever. you're not the first person in my mind when i wake up in the moring anymore. so, oklah kan.

AND to my friends, im sorry, so sorry. sorry. sorry if i make you upset or something, im not a perfect best friend to have kan? macam lupe kawan ade juga, but have you ever even listen to my problems? i got no one. NO ONE to voice my feelings. even my twitter is like, my everything, but its not 100% what i felt that time. yes, i miss all of you, yes. but its not fair if you only want me when you feel like you want me that particular time but not be there when it come to my time for need you guys. Im not that rich to even call every each on of you. but im happy to have someone texted me, im okay with it if you reply me like you want to talk to me, tah ape2 je lah.

im tired, i dont know what else to say. my life is just. tah lah. i cant control it. i just want to stop everything. just give me a break. and let me fucking breathe. OK?

Leia Mais

How's life?

Its been almost 3 weeks i became collage student at KTT for A-level student. so how's life so far? hmmm everything is good i guess. ye lah i still remember once im teacher said, once you studied in Saser, campak kat mana2 pun boleh hidup. ye lah kot. cause my life at KTT and SASER dont have much differences. The kids here are awesome and all of them are bright students from all over the country. All have the same vision; to succeed in A-level so the we can fly to overseas to continue our studies. Most of them are future medical student.

hmmm ape nak cite lagi hah? nothing much happened, just a couple of moments that are out of our usual daily routine.

yes, im living in the house which now compact with 12 people. So you can imagine yourself how is it like. but im happy. Meriah rumah tu. macam dah semua benda ade. So feels like living in our own house dah. I don'nt bring any laptop so i can't update my blog regularly (alah kat rumah pun tak update-update -.-)

i thought i could take you our of my mind once i live a new life with new people, but you know, every time someone mentioning your name, my heart stops. Everything goes back to the place where i used to be. But im okay, cause i got a chance to meet new people and im not that stupid to let things happen twice, well not that okay cause im acting like i dont have feeling anymore. but im moving on, yes.

im going to keep updating my life, just one more thing to tell you guys, my maths, still sucks. im trying hard now. praying hard. see you later.

Leia Mais

One Step Further

Sooo whats up guys?

okay actually just wanna tell dah masuk kolej KTT dah :) Dah 4 hari di sana dan baru habis orientasi semalam (jumaat) . so yes, im moving one step further in my life and im excited about it.
now, ape nak cerita hah? macam korang kesah pulak kan. okay. im just gonna tell how is it okay. like physically. not my emotions.

Kolej Teknologi Timur (KTT) terletak dekat Sepang. So tak lah jauh mane dari Seremban. dalam 40 minit smpi lah. dengan speed bapak aku bawak kete mungkin 30 minit (sape yang pernah naik kete bapak aku bawak je tahu perasaan nye mcm mne hehe) . Aku under MARA untuk study dentistry. Di maklumkan disini aku bukan bound dengan Czech atau Poland. Tapi Australia atau New Zealand. kan dah cakap mara ni kelakar bab2 prank nih. hadoi. okay move on

Mule2 ingat kami akan tinggal di dalam kolej. just so you know kolej ni kecik je. comel. 2 rows of blocks of rumah kedai. ha dapat bayang? bawah and first floor kolej / classes, atas tuh yg rumah tuh apartment student. so nak g kelas terjun dri atas pun boleh. haha tapi bukan untuk student under mara lelaki. kami tinggal di luar kolej (yeah!) tinggal di rumah dua tingkat di tman berhampiran je.. so satu rumah 10 org tpi stakat ni rumah aku 8 je.

aku awal2 dah chop bilik untuk 2 org. Dengan harapan bleh tido situ sorg2 haha. tpi x pe lah dpat roommate. tak kisah lah bukan bapak aku bayah sewa rumah. haha.

Orientation week bermula lah. Macam2 aktiviti ade. tapi yang fun je lah kan bukan macam certain university (ahem2) but i was fun. Im in group 8. So we have to perform modern dance pada hari penutup orientasi. okay we danced High School Musical dance, and i got 'A Night To Remember' song -.- but we didn't win. takpe cause i have lots of fun and the seniors were great too.

Next monday start class. Im scared. 1.5 years of Cambridge A-level program. Hoping for the best. and i miss my friends. its okay maybe im gonna have a new friends or whatever, but you guys are still irreplaceable.

Leia Mais

is it true

is it true when you are so far away from someone you will just forget about them?

is it true when you are not seeing each other for a long time the feeling just gone?

is it true when that particular person just having a new life out there she/he just stop thinking about you?

is it true the feeling that you always convince yourself exist all this time is actually nothing at all?

is it true when you start a new life you will stop thinking about it?
just let it go like nothing happened?

i don't know how to feel anymore. i keep losing myself. keep drowning myself in the deepest darkest hole. i don't know anything anymore.

Leia Mais

incredible

i dont know i feel so inspired now to write or post a blog. i guess i just feeling a little bit lost right now, but reading other people's blogs make me realize how wonderful it is to let everything here, well, not everything.

so last post, yang berusia lebih sebulan kot (?) i told you about INDIA, how exciting it is, hoe INCREDIBLE it is to be there. well, its not a new news to tell you here but i guess i need to let you know that it was all gone. like only one sentence on the letter changed everything. my future, my imagination, my dream and what i wanted to do in future. maybe many people wont understand this but its okay i wont blame anyone. for a moment i felt lost. i dont know anything. everything went so blurry.

okay, mara changed the country, to Poland / Czech. a totally different country from india. yes. i went blank for a while until i just got to think how lucky i am. very lucky. so right now i dont really care what country i might be furthering my studies, all my focus is right now. get done with the A-level first. then think about whatever it is important THAT time.

well. i will pay INDIA a visit. cause i want to experience it myself. yes i will, insyaAllah. now, i have to get my ass work cause i need to settle everything about the collage. i still have 2 more weeks to go. not long huh?

Leia Mais

whats next?

hokay masa free memang banyak, sumpah banyak tapi nak buat satu post untuk blog ni memang la.. PEMALAS. tapi tak pe, aku gagah jugak la nak taip ni memandangkan memang tengah boring.

kenapa boring?

hmm bukak facebook je tengok yang online tinggal bape kerat je kot. semua dah sambung belajar. dak2 form 6, Uitm, matriks and even some kids yang dapat scholarship pun dah berambus awal2. jeles tu memang ade bro sebab diorang dah melangkah satu tapak, aku ni, semakin terbenam kaki dekat tanah. standing at the same freaking spot looking at people around me start their new chapter in life.

so aku ni bile lagi?

haha okay let me explain lah ye. matrik, dapat kuala pilah nun, ipta? dapat, Uitm puncak alam asasi sains tapi aku tolak kedua-duanye sebab dapat tajaan mara. MARA watlekje bagi tahu keputusan, program A-level, pergigian, kolej teknologi timur, Jun 2011.

haiyo memang tergelak jugak tengok. tarikh tu tak leh bla. ingat nak main teka-teki? nama kolej teknologi timur pun aku tak pernah dengar. my mom starts to make jokes said maybe the collage is somewhere in the middle of PANTAI TIMUR? hmm memang aku nak la kan pergi sane. memang nak. =.='

google tengok2 dekat sepang. so buat le research about the collage. so i will study Cambridge A-level. fuyooo Cambridge tuh. fly LONDON ke ni. Pale abah ko. i will be flying to india. kalau tak ada masalah lah. i knew this since the interview pun. so watlek je la. tak kisah.

so sekarang tunggu surat mara. tunggu tarikh sebenar nak belajar. tunggu otak ni hilang karat sebab dah lupe dah segala Bio, Chem, even Physics. Maths tak payah cite.

so now i start to reading blogs about people's life stydying in India. fulamak nak nangis bace. kena though. macam la aku ni though sangat. hmmm tak pe lambat lagi ye nak singgah india tuh.

blog kakak ni banyak membantu aku imagine how the hell India really is.

intanberlian

credit to Adila yang bagi link walaupun ake dah jumpe dulu. HAHA so at the side corner ade column nak tahu pasal india? okay i read every single one of it malam semalam sampai pukul 5 pagi. semangat lak ai. sebab cite akak ni lebih best kot dari drama korea? haha maybe

this post just me telling you guys what are the things keep bugging my mind these couple of weeks. okay i miss my friends yang dah pergi belajar. good luck okay? lepas ni aku pulak weyh. weyh. weyh.

Leia Mais