My Mind.

I find it is exceptionally annoying to have this unknown anxiety which I don't even know where it came from. I noticed it whenever I have assignment or work to do -- which are both important and crucial for me to finish it before the deadline, I always find myself doing things that are not presenting that I am doing my work. Let say, one night I'll be like "I have to finish this essay by tonight" looked to the watch and it was 9pm, "oh still early" then I'll surf the internet like nobody's business and realized it was too late and go to bed. Then end up doing it the night before the deadline.
Ugh.
Recently I have a counselling session to discuss my test results (personality test, aptitude and others). Well my test results shown I have a pretty high level anxiety. So I know I can link this to my procrastination with my work. I have no idea what I'm scared of, but I tend to release the tension of starting the work by doing other stuffs.
Other than anxiety, I have a short amount of attention towards something. I just got bored easily. And that makes me want to do everything at the same time when I know it wont happen. My mind keeps jumping from one thought to another in seconds, so I felt sorry if someone tells me a story and along the way I find it boring I'll just think about other stuff like "What I want to get for my lunch today?" yeah something like that. So my mission is actually to bring back my focus to my mind, my brain so wouldn't regret about not paying attention on what things that matter.

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20

Hello.

I just turned 20. I have no idea why I'm not that excited but yeah, I'm like young adult now. The older you get, the more responsibilities you have to take. Ugh. Well, I'm pretty much still learning how to be independent and taking care of myself now, especially when I'm still trying to adjusting with the new life right now, yeah, it tends to get lonely sometimes but I'm trying to turn that loneliness into something good. Its been awhile I don't have that space for myself and I am focusing on my studies and making myself happy. No more drama that meant nothing, no more laughing till you forget the world. I miss it, but I'm growing.

Ouh yeah, one more thing, I'm studying Psychology right now, so I'm taking this opportunity to really learning about myself and understand who I am today and what I want to be in the future. It's fun and sad at the same time though.

love, Shafiq.

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That Kid.

Things change.
No matter how much you wish thing stays as what it is, it will eventually change. And the hardest things to do are saying goodbye to what is almost perfect and move on. I found myself in the strange place when I have to start all over again, mostly cause I am tired of doing it again and again, and it is strange because the loneliness creeps into me and I let myself being sad and dark and let people think I don't want to be in touch with them when secretly I am dying because I miss them. Maybe because I don't think I will ever meet the kind of people that accepts and appreciates me for who I am. Its tiring to find that people who understand me and the way I bring myself to this world, and the scare of being judged.
I may be  a fun and bubbly person but once I get close to someone they slowly will notice my darker sides which usually, based on my experience, they'll run.

Today marks the day where mostly all my close friends have already start their new life in overseas, as studying there doing medic/dentistry. I am genuinely happy for them but I can't help thinking they are leaving my alone here, in this strange place with strange people. Its not the same anymore. Things changed.

But on the other side, I am ready to grow and to develop a new person I always wanted to be. I don't know exactly what is it but there's a lot of possibilities may come. I want to be a Bad Kid, Crazy Kid, or maybe this is the time where I just become more private as a person. I don't know. What the heck. Here's to the future, and to the kids who are not afraid of changing.

X
shafiq

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Almost

Hello.

If you noticed my starting line will be 'Its been a while...' but it is. It is been a while. What motivates me to post this is, the promise I keep to keep posting in this blog even once a year because I'm not going to leave this blog, I want to write, as long as I can.

I'm thinking to write a journal or something where I can actually write whatever I want without the feeling of being judge but, I'm not ready yet, to pour out everything, just not yet.

Wow I feel awkward. This is my blog for god sake. Okay, let me just write about things I've learnt these past few months. And yeah, 2013 is definitely the year of transition, the year of change.

This year I've learnt that, to lose everything you have ever wanted, even if you managed to grab it in your hands, it'll just slip away. Once you realized you've lost it, then all you got to do is to let it go.  I almost thought my dreams became reality, I almost felt how is it like to be loved, I almost have the material and worldly things I've always wanted, I almost felt genuinely safe, I almost thought my life is complete. I almost thought I've forgotten everything that saddens me, and be happy. But life is surprising. It'll take you down the road you never thought you will go through, not matter how much you are ready to take it in, you'll be surprised. TA-DA.

But darling, you'll get through it, keep going.

I also learnt that its okay to be alone sometimes, its okay to give yourself the space. Yeah, there's a time I thought I was crazy for talking to myself, but in a way, I learn about myself better. Its not like I'm pushing everybody away, but I need to keep things for myself. I need to feel sane for awhile, and breathe. And its okay.

love, shafiq.

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Twenty-twelve.

Hello.

I remember I said on my last year's post, 2012 going to be a crazy year. Well, it is CRAZY. Where should I start. Oh yeah, college starts as usual, then prepared for AS and IELTS. And then yeah, the bigger exam A2, repeat AS, (ouch) yeah pretty crazy.

But its been the most meaningful year for me, kinda like roller coaster ride. Its keeps me high and scares, and   laugh at the same time. I guess my life in 2012 wasn't that bad at all. I met with awesome group of people, and they make me feel like I am accepted the way I am.

2012 also been the year I cried a lot. Crying over the exam results, over the goodbyes, the drama. But I turned out to be fine. Yeah, at least I know I'm fine now. I was at the lowest, coldest ground but I did keep my heads up to breathe, and I keep breathing. Which is fine for me just to know I have more to gain in tomorrows.

As in feelings, I think I've moved on, and let go. Someone told me to not let go, but I think I have to for my own good. I can see that every steps that I'm taking now is to let go.

I am blessed to have these people around me : My family, my best friends, my close friends, my friends, my housemates, my classmates and the list is going on....

(wow I am overly positive right now)

So, I will close this year with forgiving and letting go my past. Which ever next year will lead me, I am ready.

X

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Let go.

Hello readers,

I might have or haven't did it again. I promised myself I won't let it happen again but I guess it did happened. And this time its way more than I would've imagine it is. I'm not even sure what to call it. Love? Maybe. After trying to move on from my high school past, it hit me again. And I might actually know how is it going to end, and I'm sure its going to end badly and I will end up hurt, but it happened.

I tried so hard to shield myself but I ended up suffocating, trying to breathe, because I want more, and I felt bad about that. I know I'm going to hurt but I couldn't help myself. "Don't play with fire" as wise man said. But I wasn't sure it will be that dangerous.

But I thank Allah for making everything turned out to be much more than I wanted it to be. I let go. I let go the second I'm saying goodbye. And that's the whole reasons I cried when I said it. I cannot ask more, I got what is more precious than I thought it is. I got friendship. And I'm going to keep it that way. Because this is how things meant to be and I'm going to learn to accept it.

I'm going to miss those hugs, those eyes, and those hands that I thought were made to hold my hands cause I've never hold anyone's hands that is so perfect with mine. I'm glad I took every last days to the very best cause I'm aware I might not going to have it anymore, not anymore with the feelings still inside me. I'm letting go something that seems to be very special to me, but I'm going to save something is even more precious, the friendships.

Love,

  Shafiq.

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Goodbyes

Hello readers.
I'm here, yes, still reading your posts, and it took me a while to have the guts to write again. I don't know what I'm scared about, but for sure I'm scared I would let it all here and make people who cares wondering.
I really want to post a blog since my holiday starts but yeah, I'm scared.

Yes, A-level ended, so does my college life in KTT. The small place that give me everything I could ever asked. It was sad to leave everything and everyone behind but we got to move on, right?
I guess I'm not the kind of person that good at saying goodbyes and change things around because I hate of starting new, I hate doing things from square one. Yeah, I hated it when the first time I went to KTT because I have to start all over again with new people, but I am grateful I keep being who I am inside until today that I've gone through the 1.5 years with success.

So right now I'm just going to enjoy the time home and this (hopefully) long holiday and move on.

I got so many things to say, so many questions to ask here but I might choose to keep it to myself, or maybe I'll write it somewhere else. Until we meet again.

Love, 

Shafiq

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