Roses.

I don't know why but tonight I feel like writing and never thought I'd choose my old blog. I don't know what to write either but I'm just going to type in whatever that crossed my mind.

Last few days I bought myself 3 beautiful red roses from the floral shop downstairs where I live here in Damansara, I don't know why I bought it, but I always love roses. I bought a hand bouquet for my friend as a farewell gift, and I just have this thing, a feeling like I want to put something nice on my study desk as the exam is just around the corner (I will spend most of the days on the table anyway). Well, yeah, I bought the roses for myself, I cut the end, put it on the glass Snapple juice bottle I keep for months, put fresh waters and put it there on my table. It was nice, they were pretty. I felt they were the kind of flowers that bloom majestically. But then I felt bad. Cause they have to die to be on my desk, because they were pretty and I like them. I remember when I was a kid my late brother gave me a purple rose he got from his graduation. I kept that rose for years, I just let it dry and still put it on my desk at home, I don't recall what happened to the dried flower now, but even it was dead and lost the colour purple, I liked it. That was the first time I ever owned a rose, given by my late brother. It never occurred to me until today, when I watch these three red roses that I bought wilting, dying.

So I decided to keep these flowers dry. I want to make sure even when they are dead, they're sacrifice of being pretty worth it, even after the colors are gone. I'll show you what they'll look like after few years (hopefully)

Leia Mais

2013

I almost forgot to write my review on 2013 (my life, of course.) Few minutes before midnight now, and here we go.

There's a lot of differences between 2012 and 2013, A LOT. Its almost a joke how fast things change, and how many actually leave. First of all, what I noticed I cry lesser this year (LOL) I don't know why but I did. At least I just stop myself crying over stupid things I guess. And what I see, I turned back into myself around 2008-2010 where I just care more about myself and less about others. Okay maybe not.

One of the biggest change, of course, reading at Help University for degree in Psychology. Its amazed me how I finally doing something I really like and actually knowing what the hell I'm doing. The people there are different from any crowd I've been with, making me more open towards learning new knowledge and new experience in life. I made few friends and yeah, its not the same with one I had back at KTT but I tried my best.

Now that life is different the only thing that keeps remind me to be myself is my book. I love to read and living in Help I just make time for myself even more than before. And to realized that being alone is not totally a bad thing, I took advantage by exploring my creativity on writing. Yeah I have to write in order to do good in this course, so yeah.

This year I also spend more time with family, building back the relationship as I feel like I spend less time with them last year.

(It's 12 already, Hello 2014)

Above all I'm still the same Shafiq, I still have the same interest, same personality (hopefully) and I still love the people in my life.

I hope 2014 going to be the year where I achieve what I dream of, meeting more exciting people and exploring the world even more.

Here's to the past and the future. Walk that road, bitch.

XXX

Leia Mais

Nights

Well Hi.

I'm currently on my semester break and to be honest I haven't even gone out of the house for three whole weeks now, and I don't even want to. And of course I don't sleep at night anymore, instead I'll start drifting into the dreamland while the sun rises, oh well. One interesting thing about staying up late at night or not even sleep when its dark outside is the tranquility. My mind almost free from many thoughts, instead I could think about one particular thing at the time. Usually I could relive the past memories, my childhood memories, every details, from the smells, sights, touch and how I felt that time.

Well I believe as we grew older, we tend to repress the unwanted memories and instead, we remember the memories that we want to remember, more often the happy memories. But for me, I like to relive and go back in time to the odd memories that made me feel embarrassed, sad, humiliated or betrayed because those memories, ah, they are the one that help me to become who I am now. Not saying happy memories are bad or anything, but it is important to know the event that takes place in your life that change the way you think and act.

And yes, I have a lot of bitter memories, and its funny when you were a kid you don't fully understand how certain events can hurt your feeling and it might hurt you now when you start thinking it through, but for me, it is up to me to turn the negativity into something good and positive. Many people might said they want to be a kid again, bla bla bla. but not me. I want to relive that moment but with my level of intelligence and maturity I have now. Well things might turn out differently of course, but I want to see how much changes I can make.

Okay this is getting weird now.

There are a lot more stuff I do while staying up on the night while everybody else asleep, but this particular activity ( if its even an activity ) is the one I found interesting to share. (or maybe not) (okay)

I'll post my summary of 2013 on the next entry. Take care, be kind.

Leia Mais

My Mind.

I find it is exceptionally annoying to have this unknown anxiety which I don't even know where it came from. I noticed it whenever I have assignment or work to do -- which are both important and crucial for me to finish it before the deadline, I always find myself doing things that are not presenting that I am doing my work. Let say, one night I'll be like "I have to finish this essay by tonight" looked to the watch and it was 9pm, "oh still early" then I'll surf the internet like nobody's business and realized it was too late and go to bed. Then end up doing it the night before the deadline.
Ugh.
Recently I have a counselling session to discuss my test results (personality test, aptitude and others). Well my test results shown I have a pretty high level anxiety. So I know I can link this to my procrastination with my work. I have no idea what I'm scared of, but I tend to release the tension of starting the work by doing other stuffs.
Other than anxiety, I have a short amount of attention towards something. I just got bored easily. And that makes me want to do everything at the same time when I know it wont happen. My mind keeps jumping from one thought to another in seconds, so I felt sorry if someone tells me a story and along the way I find it boring I'll just think about other stuff like "What I want to get for my lunch today?" yeah something like that. So my mission is actually to bring back my focus to my mind, my brain so wouldn't regret about not paying attention on what things that matter.

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20

Hello.

I just turned 20. I have no idea why I'm not that excited but yeah, I'm like young adult now. The older you get, the more responsibilities you have to take. Ugh. Well, I'm pretty much still learning how to be independent and taking care of myself now, especially when I'm still trying to adjusting with the new life right now, yeah, it tends to get lonely sometimes but I'm trying to turn that loneliness into something good. Its been awhile I don't have that space for myself and I am focusing on my studies and making myself happy. No more drama that meant nothing, no more laughing till you forget the world. I miss it, but I'm growing.

Ouh yeah, one more thing, I'm studying Psychology right now, so I'm taking this opportunity to really learning about myself and understand who I am today and what I want to be in the future. It's fun and sad at the same time though.

love, Shafiq.

Leia Mais

That Kid.

Things change.
No matter how much you wish thing stays as what it is, it will eventually change. And the hardest things to do are saying goodbye to what is almost perfect and move on. I found myself in the strange place when I have to start all over again, mostly cause I am tired of doing it again and again, and it is strange because the loneliness creeps into me and I let myself being sad and dark and let people think I don't want to be in touch with them when secretly I am dying because I miss them. Maybe because I don't think I will ever meet the kind of people that accepts and appreciates me for who I am. Its tiring to find that people who understand me and the way I bring myself to this world, and the scare of being judged.
I may be  a fun and bubbly person but once I get close to someone they slowly will notice my darker sides which usually, based on my experience, they'll run.

Today marks the day where mostly all my close friends have already start their new life in overseas, as studying there doing medic/dentistry. I am genuinely happy for them but I can't help thinking they are leaving my alone here, in this strange place with strange people. Its not the same anymore. Things changed.

But on the other side, I am ready to grow and to develop a new person I always wanted to be. I don't know exactly what is it but there's a lot of possibilities may come. I want to be a Bad Kid, Crazy Kid, or maybe this is the time where I just become more private as a person. I don't know. What the heck. Here's to the future, and to the kids who are not afraid of changing.

X
shafiq

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Almost

Hello.

If you noticed my starting line will be 'Its been a while...' but it is. It is been a while. What motivates me to post this is, the promise I keep to keep posting in this blog even once a year because I'm not going to leave this blog, I want to write, as long as I can.

I'm thinking to write a journal or something where I can actually write whatever I want without the feeling of being judge but, I'm not ready yet, to pour out everything, just not yet.

Wow I feel awkward. This is my blog for god sake. Okay, let me just write about things I've learnt these past few months. And yeah, 2013 is definitely the year of transition, the year of change.

This year I've learnt that, to lose everything you have ever wanted, even if you managed to grab it in your hands, it'll just slip away. Once you realized you've lost it, then all you got to do is to let it go.  I almost thought my dreams became reality, I almost felt how is it like to be loved, I almost have the material and worldly things I've always wanted, I almost felt genuinely safe, I almost thought my life is complete. I almost thought I've forgotten everything that saddens me, and be happy. But life is surprising. It'll take you down the road you never thought you will go through, not matter how much you are ready to take it in, you'll be surprised. TA-DA.

But darling, you'll get through it, keep going.

I also learnt that its okay to be alone sometimes, its okay to give yourself the space. Yeah, there's a time I thought I was crazy for talking to myself, but in a way, I learn about myself better. Its not like I'm pushing everybody away, but I need to keep things for myself. I need to feel sane for awhile, and breathe. And its okay.

love, shafiq.

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